It's the Why and How of TF!

[Captain] Hello! This is the first 'how and why of Team Fortress' I'm the captain....

[Soldier] And I'm having nothing to do with this.

[Captain] Today, we thought we'd show you around the scenes a bit, and have a look at how things work.

[Soldier] My heart beats with joy.

[Scene changes to the front of the golden valve dome, Mars, 2174]

[Captain] This building is where Team Fortress two will be completed...

[Soldier] ... someday ...

[Captain] and houses the still living brain of Gabe NewTel, project leader of TFC. Through the magic of science, we can bring you a live interview with him via video feed.

[Gabe NewTel] My minions will crush you all!

[Soldier] {reading from script} What would you say was the main feature in the design of TFC?

[Gabe NewTel] I think it would have to be the potential for world domination. Yes. That and the mayhem. As a basic principle we wanted to be able to identify the weak minded and kill them.

[Captain] Ah yes, this would be your controversial rotating knives plan?

[Gabe NewTel] Yes - they couldn't see my genius then, but soon I shall exterminate them all!

[Soldier] And the similarity between this plan and the 'evolution by struggle'?

[Captain] I'm sorry - I'm just a rabbit. What is 'evolution through struggle'?

[Soldier] {writing on blackboard} 'Evolution through struggle' is a concept based upon darwins theory - which states that by dividing a population into smaller warring parties {diagrams animate} the strong parts survivie, and so overall they get better.

[Gabe NewTel] Ah yes! My red team and my blue team! Perfect in concept, unflawed in execution. If only that dentist person hadn't turned them both against me....

[Dalek] {trundles in} Exterminate... exterminate!

[Captain] Oh no! What shall we do?

[Soldier] Don't worry - it's just Yahn BurntOuter

[Captain] Oh! He wrote the netcode, right?

[Soldier] That's right. He's firstly famous for writing a map editor...

[Dalek] {sulky} Which no one uses

[Soldier] ... and secondly famous for writing the new 'fair' netcode...

[Dalek] {sulky} Which everyone hates

[Soldier] ... but mostly famous for that hotel room in ...

[Captain] *AHEM* I don't think our viewers need to know about that. Why don't we find out omething about some of the maps?

[Dalek] {begins to blush}

[Soldier] ... and the gerbil was never found again. Sorry?

[Captain] The maps?

[Soldier] Oh yes. The maps are designed...

[Cheese] No! Let me present this bit!

[Soldier] But you're supposed to be dead...

[Cheese] No no! I work for valve now! Maps are designed with honour and courage!

{Theme music starts up}

[Cheese] some maps are made large, and some small - but all are designed by a simple process of shouting orders to ranks of slave rabbits! The shining honour of a master mapper is obvious by the strength of his warcries. I still weep remembering watching the re-enactment of the design of push. "SpamZone CRUSH!" "Classless DOOM!" "Soccer Flag Triple Cross..

[Soldier] Idiot

[Captain] {flustered} Let's have a look at the technology behind the stunning visuals, shall we?

[Soldier] Yes. The graphics are formed from multiple pipelines and queues. The databits move down these busses - but there are multiple bottlenecks. What happens when too much data is transmitted at a line?

[Captain] I don't know... Because I'm just a rabbit!

[Cheese] That's not how it happens at all! My mutant animator rabbits sit on your graphics card, and draw it all really really fast!

[Dalek] And we don't actually send them any data about where the players are anymore, we just let them guess. Works out much better on the use of bandwidth!

{Run closing credits}

[Soldier] So many idiots.

Aplogies to... well... if you dn't know, you deserve to die :)