Tip 12 - My rules

My universe, my rules. Some of these rules I will try to justify, some are common sense, and the others, you will simply obey without question, because I am your glorious leader and you feel obliged to make my running of the virtual world that little bit easier.

Any monty python references are deliberate.

Thou shalt make thineself hard to kill, lest the enemy makes paste from thee.

Thou shalt forget thine pacifist notions, and kill the enemies of your flag.

Though shalt leave some ammo for me, and your other teammates. Though shalt NOT take all the available ammunition for thineself.

Thou shalt not whine! Whining is annoying.

Thou mayest camp as thee pleases - the warm glow of a roasting scout, the bullets whistling through your hair - the joy of an open road to the flag... these things are good.

Thou shalt do thine best to prevent thine enemies partaking in these practices, even as you realise that they have the same rights given to them by me, who loves them all, regardless of colour, even as I mow them down and stealeth their flag.
Thou shalt try to stop the enemy from camping, but thee shall realise that they have the right to try.

Spam is holy. Thou shalt avoid getting any on you.

Thou shalt only create spam when it is useful to the team - every grenade is holy, and if a grenade is wasted, I get quite upset.

Realise that I only set upon you these two tasks.
Firstly, I set before thee the holy task of all leisure related activities. Have fun.
Secondly, I set upon you the task of earning more team points than your enemies. The methods of earning team points are many and varied - but any activity that does not further this aim, or the previous aim, is wasteful.

These two tasks go hand in paw, and thou shalt perform them both at the same time. If thou is desirous of having fun without earning team points, then thou shalt be banished to the nether regions of the net, where thou shalt be forced to endure the horrors of non team games until thou is very sorry.

If thou shalt feel upon you the desire to score more team points than the enemies do without enjoying thineself, then thou should realise that tasks which one does not find enjoyable, one is paid for. And should go outside, and bask in the warm sunlight, or starlight, or rain. If thou still persists in this desire, then your pay shall await you in the next world - go forth and help your team in peace, for thou art holy.

The enemy is holy also, and sacred to me. Make him holier with your bullets, and spread his blood across the walls. Remeber it is always his divine right to try to beat you, and also to have fun. Thou mayest do thin best to prevent the former - but preventing the latter is a heresy.

Thine thoughts and opinions are worthless to the other team, except as they afford additional fun. If thou canst not amuse the enemy with thine prattling, then stay schtum. The sacred mm1 shalt not be spammed. If thee canst not say anything nice, then thou canst say nought at all.

Everyone was new to this game once. Even I. Pity them for it, but do not berate them. Try to explain to them the holy word as nicely as possible. Newbie is not an insult, they are holy, for they are uncorrupted.

The llama is the great corrupter. Do not touch them. Do not speak to them. Do not be fooled by them. Do not sink to their level. Stay apart and pure. Try not to even mention them, except to quote their stories to the holy llama.pcgame.com or to give their unique keys to admins, who can then banish them from your sight.

The enemy respawn is holy. Do not enter it, for, being naughty in mine eyes, thou shalt snuff it.

Your respawn place is holy - there you shall find ammunition for the cause, sustenance for your body, and more holy rules.

Though shalt leave some ammo for me, and your other teammates. Though shalt leave some ammo for me, and your other teammates. Though shalt NOT take all the available ammunition for thineself.

Moderation is a virtue. Thou shalt practice it, and only take one packet of ammunition.
If thou findest that thou needs more ammunition, thou may takest two, but only if thou remembers to discard the ammunition you do not need for your team.

Three shalt thou NOT take, neither takest thou none, excpeting that thou then proceed to be EMPed.

Four, is right out!

Once thou hast taken the holy ammunition, and the armour - exit the respawn in a timely fashion, taking care to not obstruct your teammates in their progress.

If the enemy nurses shall approach thee, and thou shalt acquire an infection - thou shalt take great pains to not pass it to thy teammates.
Thou mayest kill thineself, in order that the time of your demise is under your control.

Never shalt thou enter the respawn room thus infected. The healing within canot help you.

Within many respawn rooms have I placed an ammunition bag, which is green akin to the others, but within is hidden a great treasure of grenades.
This treasure is holy, and thou mayest only take it if you have a rgeat need of it, greater than that of your teammates.
Do not wait for the bag to return, for thou mayest anger me - exit the respawn room with all speed. Thou shalt soon return, and if thou are great in my site then the bag shall await thee.
HWG and demons shalt not take this bag, for thee hast sufficient grenades already for the tasks I set thee.
Scouts also, or caltrops are little use, and you already have three conc grenades - greed is a sin, and regardless, thou shalt be back very soon.
Engineers have the greatest use of his holiest of ammunition packs. Medics and soldiers have the greatest claim, though offence soldiers have a lesser than defence.
Pyros have little use for the pack, nor do snipers. The pack is a rare treasure. Save it.

Thy teammates have knowledge of the events you cannot see - and also experience and wisdom. Heed your teammates, their advice may help you in your holy tasks.

Thy teammates, in turn, have need of your wisdom. They do not know who is approaching you unless you tell them. They can help you in your holy tasks if you advise them by telling them what you see.

The information channel can only hold so much. 4 llines, no more. Be careful not to speak upon it so rapidly that the messages cannot be read, you will be silenced.
Binds may be used so that thee mayest fight as well as speak.
Rogerwilco, battlecom, and other such programs allow true speech - which is better still.

All classes are holy, and equal - each has a role to play, and a weakness.
There is no 'newbie class' no 'llama class' and no 'class with no skill'
You will play as each class to learn its strengths and weaknesses.
You will play against each class until you know what you can and can't do.
If the enemy brings strength to bear against our weakness, it is not they who are at fault. Thou shalt not insult them for being intelligent. Thou shalt instead breate thineself for not predicting it, and defeating it.

Thou shalt NEVER insult someone over global chat.

Thou mayest ask that the teams be evened, but only clamly, and a few times.

If thou art on the larger team, thou shall switch thine allegience immediately.

Upon most maps, you do not posess a flag.
Thin *TEAM* has a flag, and thou mayest shout at the enemy in humourous manner only that they should leave it alone, or give it back. They knowest that thou jest, and that though I have given you a holy duty to protect it, I hast also gifted them a holy duty to steal it.

Liken unto this also is the enemy flag. Thou may carry it for a short time, but it is not yours to posess. If a teammate should cap it while thee resteth after death, then thou should thank them, and proceed to retreive it again.

Thou shalt strive to carry the enemy flag for as short a time as possible - place it upon the holy cap point that thy team may score points.

Abuse of a flag, preventing your team from capping it, or hiding and making loud noises using it, are marks of either a true new player who is so pure that they know not what they do, or of the llama, who doeth it to vex and frustrate.
Do not do it yourself.

These are but a fraction of the tasks I set upon thee, I shall think of more later.
But the most important tasks are here - obey the spirit, and the holiness shall come upon you.

i